February 6, 2023

This Week's Teaching: "A Better Way to Think About Forgiveness"

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Have you ever said this?

• "I just can't forgive yet. I'll get there, but I just need more time."
• "Maybe I just overreacted. Don't worry about it." 
• "I could never forgive that person."

​​All three are indications that you don't have a biblical understanding of forgiveness. In the above teaching I explain a better way to think about it and do it. May God use it to heal your broken hearts and broken relationships.

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{THE FOLLOWING IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE ABOVE TEACHING}​

​There's three reasons why we have difficulty forgiving. Number one, we think of forgiveness as more than what it really is. Number two, we think of forgiveness as less than what it is. And number three, we think of forgiveness as the opposite of what it is.  

I want to explain that, but, as is my practice, I want to give you the scriptures that influence what I'm getting ready to say, so it's not just my opinion. 

MATTHEW 6:9-15
Matthew chapter six, you'll recognize this as the Lord's Prayer. He says, "Our father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread and forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors." Some translations will say trespasses. Some will say sins.  

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." And he says, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins."  

I'm not sure we really believe that, but that's what it says.  

MATTHEW 18:15-35
Matthew 18. Verse 18. Jesus says, "Truly, I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will have been bound in heaven. Whatever you lose on earth will be loosed in heaven." He says, "Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on Earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them."  

And then we read in verse 21 that "Peter came to Jesus and he asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' And Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but 77 times' or '70 times seven.'" 

Then he tells this parable. "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him 10,000 bags of gold" — that's 10,000 talents. One talent was worth about 20 years of a day laborer's wages. If my math is correct, we're talking several billion dollars. It's an insane amount. And Jesus is just telling a made up story here to make a point.  

"As he began the settlement, a man who owed him [several billion dollars] was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. At this the servant fell on his knees before him: 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt" — didn't say you have to pay it back — he "canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins."

A hundred denarii. A denarius was the usual day wage of a day laborer. A hundred of those. Might we say 10,000 bucks? Still a chunk.

"When that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins," several thousand bucks. "He grabbed him and began to choke him, 'Pay back what you owe me,' he demanded. And his fellow servant fell to his knees" just like he had, "and he begged him, 'Be patient with me and I will pay it back.' But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and they went and told their master everything that had happened. 

"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had on you?' In anger, his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured until he should pay back all he owed."  

And then Jesus says this — and again, I don't think we really believe it. Do you believe it? — He says, "This is how my Heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart."  

Write in your Bible "true statement?" Put a question mark until you can erase the question mark. True statement?  

"This is how my Heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart." 

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-5
First Corinthians chapter 13. The Love Chapter. "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs."  

ROMANS 12:9-21
Romans 12 verse nine. "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." Skipping down verse 14, "Bless those who persecute you. Bless and do curse." Verse 17. "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it's possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath for it is written. 'It is mine to avenge. I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he's thirsty, give him something to drink." (Bless those who persecute you.) "In doing this, you'll heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." 

JOHN 20:21
John chapter 20, Jesus has died, come back to life, and he's spending time with the disciples before ascending and going back to heaven, and he gives them the Holy Spirit. 

Chapter 20 verse 21. "Jesus said, 'Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, I am now sending you.' And with that, he breathed on them and said, 'Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone's sins, their sins are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven." 

There's three reasons why we struggle to forgive.

1. WE THINK OF FORGIVENESS AS "FINDING EMOTIONAL RELEASE FROM THE PAIN"
​Number one, we think of forgiveness as more than what it really is.

We tend to think of forgiveness as some magic thing that will erase all memories of the wrong, that will help us to forget, that'll erase the consequences, that will erase the pain. That's not what forgiveness is. You might always remember what you've forgiven. Forgiveness isn't erasing the pain, and often it's not erasing the consequences.  

What I mean is this, if, if you came up to me and you cut off my arm, whether it was an accident or whether you did it on purpose, if you cut off my arm and then came to your senses and you pleaded with me, "Roger, please forgive me. I'm so sorry I did that," I would forgive you. But I still wouldn't have an arm. I would forgive you, but it wouldn't take away the consequence. I would still have the phantom pains. I would still live without an arm, but you would be forgiven. 

They may have broken your heart and then they come back and they ask you to forgive them. And if you think that forgiveness is erasing the pain, that's gonna be pretty difficult because sometimes the heart holds onto those memories. Sometimes the heart continues to feel the pain, and sometimes the relationship has consequences. Sometimes the heart heals, but it heals with a scar just like the rest of our body. And I'm talking figuratively, but it heals with a scar, it doesn't quite, it doesn't have the elasticity, the emotions don't have the elasticity. It doesn't feel quite like it did, but it still functions. And you can say, I forgive you, but it might just be that your heart still feels broken because they, they cut off your arm. They broke your heart.  

But forgiveness is not finding emotional release from the pain. Forgiveness is releasing the person from having to pay you back for the pain. 

You probably won't forget. I mean, to forget something is really not an indication of mental health. You probably won't forget. There are things that I've forgiven people, I remember all the details but I forgive them. You probably won't forget, and you may even still be able to recount the story in a way that brings the pain back for you. I'd advise against that, but it's still possible. But they are forgiven. 

If you think that forgiveness is finding emotional release from the pain, you will spend days and weeks and months and possibly years saying, "I'm just not quite ready to forgive you. I'll get there, I'll forgive you one day, but I'm just not there yet." Because you're waiting for emotional release from the pain, but that's not what forgiveness is. That's more. That's expecting forgiveness to be something it isn't.  

Forgiveness is not finding emotional release from the pain. Forgiveness is releasing the person from having to pay for the pain. 

2. WE THINK OF FORGIVENESS AS "JUST GETTING OVER IT"
The second reason why it's difficult for us to forgive is we think of forgiveness as less than what it really is. 

We think of forgiveness as just looking the other way with a shrug. Apologizing for being offended. "You know, it's okay. Don't, don't worry about it. I just, I overreacted." 

But forgiveness is not looking the other way and just shrugging it off. Forgiveness is looking the offender in the eye. And saying, "That was wrong. That hurt. And I forgive you for it."  

3. WE THINK OF FORGIVENESS AS A "NECESSARY EVIL."
The third reason why we struggle to forgive is we think of forgiveness as the opposite of what it is.  

I'm convinced that most of us — until we check this, like, you're not gonna do this anymore because I'm getting ready to point it out to you, but until we are confronted with this, I think we think of forgiveness as a necessary evil. 

Like, we read what Jesus said about if, if you don't forgive your brother or sister from the heart, then the father's not gonna forgive you. And we go, "Okay, I guess I gotta do it," like a necessary evil. Like somehow it's unjust, it's unfair, that it's just something that we just gotta suck it up and do it, even though it's an awful thing. But, you know, "I guess I'll just, I'll just have to do it." That's the opposite of what forgiveness is.  

That's the opposite of what forgiveness is. 

It's not a harsh prerequisite for being forgiven by God. It's not unjust, it's not unfair. It's not just adding insult to injury, something we just gotta go through. It's not that. 

Forgiveness is not a necessary evil. Forgiveness is love's great power-move to open the prison doors and set the captives free. It's this redemptive relationship that I talked about last week. It's giving ourself in love to the redemption of another, even to the person who's so caught up and imprisoned by sin itself that they would wound you. It's actually stepping in and it's forgiving them. It's breaking the prison doors and letting them out so that they can be redeemed. Forgiveness is love's great power-move to open the prison doors and set the captives free.  

CHOOSE TO FORGIVE — WITH UNDERSTANDING
If we would understand this — if we would understand that forgiveness is not just finding emotional release from the pain, and forgiveness is not just shrugging it off and looking the other way, and forgiveness is not just some necessary evil that we've gotta go through. And if we would remember that forgiveness, chooses to release the person from having to pay back for the pain ,and forgiveness looks the offender in the eye and says, that hurt, that was wrong and I forgive you, and forgiveness is love's great power-move that opens the prison doors and says, "Get out of there! Come and be free! Walk in the light!"  

If we remember these, we would have a better time of forgiving. We would have an easier time of forgiving. It's still, it's a matter of the will. It's a matter of the choice. Forgiveness isn't something you feel. It's something you do. So my challenge, my encouragement to you today: choose it. 

Choose it. Don't wait to feel it. Choose it. If there's anyone in your life that you're holding something against, go to them. Forgive them. Decide that they no longer have to pay back for the hurt. Forgive them. Don't let bitterness come between you and them and don't let bitterness come between you and God. 

Forgive. 

Now we have this assurance in 1st John 1:9 that if any of us confess our sins, God is faithful and just, and he will forgive us our sins.

​That's my encouragement to you. If you've never put your faith in Jesus, do it. Start following him. Just bow your heart to him. Surrender to him and say, okay, "Lord, I'm gonna follow you now and I'm gonna start with this forgiveness. Lord, I confess my sin," and he says, "I forgive you. Now go do likewise." And I would say to you, "Go do likewise."  

I believe this is the word of the Lord. Amen.